Seasonal Depression.

I need sunshine. I need warm weather. Today it hit about 47 degrees and sunshine and I was literally laying on the sidewalk trying to grasp a few warm rays. It's funny how something like sunlight and warmth can make you happy after 3 months of sub zero blizzards.

Maybe that's why I decided to move to Nantucket for the summer, something new. Change from what I have now. We get in such a monotonous routine, that when change occurs we run to it like a fly to a white light. "IT'S JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL!!!" (Bug's Life anyone?!) I'm ready to chase something new, ready to soak up sunshine after months of our "La Nina" winter storms. I'm ready for sail boats and marinas, beaches and fishing. I wish I was sharing it with the one I love, but God has bigger and better plans.

If you have followed my past posts at all (I don't know who actually reads this) but you know how my mind just jumps from topic to topic, once I get writing it's like "thought vomit" and ideas just start spewing everywhere.

So the last few days I've been reading Ecclesiastes. . . The book itself is an interesting read because it cut's straight to the point, it describes what is meaningless and what we should strive for. Cut throat, black and white. I just finished the book tonight, ending on chapter 12 which went on to show us how we look to God when the times get rough. Remember Him before everything breaks down. . . As soon as something goes wrong, then we panic. Why not always run to God? Keep Him first in everything we do, then when something breaks down you'll never have to run. We get so caught up in our lives that it takes something to break time and time again for God to show us that He's working in us. Trust Him, always keep Him first, we can't do it all on our own and expect Him to just pick up the pieces with the broom following behind you. I'm watching someone I love get broken down, God molding him into the man He wants him to be. Moses wandered for 40 years, we could be here for a while.

Tomorrow is Valentines day. I preferred to call it Singles Awareness Day, but I guess that won't fly anymore ha. So I'm lucky enough now to get my first Valentines. Last year on this day I got stood up, went to visit my Grandfather's grave and talked to one of my best guy friends over bbq. Valentines day is a strange day for me.

"Now these three remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love." 1 Corinthians 13:13.

SO LOVE ON!

My mind is all over the place.

Making the big step.

I'm moving.

May 19th.

Far far away.

I'm nervous and excited, is that at all for real?!

I'll write more when I feel like it. Tomorrow seems like a good day for that.

the list of chaos

i dont know how this happened. It deleted my post. . . of course it was a long one, a good one, funny. But now it'll never be found. . .

I'm to tired to rewrite it. My mom is erging at 9:30pm right outside my door. I don't want to hear the words: guests, smile, eye contact, SERVICE. Or explain to another person that they failed to set up our building, or why I love this beautiful, strange, 14 hour work day, life. . .

maybe tomorrow.

The Generational Curse

now listening to: James Taylor

My grandmother laid eyes on this wild eyed Texas boy on the beaches of Southern California, they did the long distance between Los Angeles and Royce City before tying the knot 6 months later. The sunny beaches were traded for the free spirited east Texas wind.

My mother turned a 15 min blind date in Vegas into a 23 year marriage with a farm-bred, sports fanatic, computer geek from Minnesota. Residing in Houston at the time, they did the long distance between Houston and LA before tying the knot 9 months later. . . Only after the ceremony did they find my mother crying behind the church after reality hit her that she was committed to moving to Houston from beautiful southern California. . .

Are we noticing a trend here? The city of LA should be renamed the city of long distance love. . . And just like my mother and grandmother, I'm seeing the possibilities of calling a city I never would have dreamed of calling home, a possibility. (now please enter the side note, of yes a lot can happen between now and then) I'm not in any means complaining. But I find it amazing how God can simply take you out of your comfort zone, of what YOU wanted, and could possibly put you in some place you never would have imagined, and make it amazing I just know. It's faith that reassures me that it's all part of a bigger plan.

I look at my life now: 5 years ago I would have foreseen the future and would have claimed that I be living in a high rise in Chicago working downtown in some up and coming business. A year ago I would have told you that I'd be in the middle of Africa saving children and working for the UN. But neither of those have happened, not saying that it couldn't or not saying I haven't tried. It's just not in my cards right now. Instead I find myself in Vail, CO (not a bad place to be bumming it), in my parents basement, working in retail, and soon to be working two jobs. Far away from the man I love, and uncertain of where I am going. I've learned that it's not what I want anymore by any means. I can't predict the future, where I'll end up, what I'll be. But right now in the present I've found so much joy: I've grown closer to my parents, been able to be supportive to someone other than myself, grown closer to God, rekindle friendships, spent time with my brother and sister, gain work experience, read books I've wanted to read, admire what a beautiful backyard my God has made, and for the first time in years: Breathe.

Wait, what? It's not all about me?!

I need to stop listening to Bon Iver sometimes, such a great band, but it puts me in the deep intellectual moments, the ones where I stop everything and ponder. . . I promise, I'll try to tone it down tonight. Even worse. . . the Bon Iver Pandora station, oh my goodness my mind can't handle all these deep thoughts! ha

Today. . . was emoooooooooootional. (insert esj's voice). I don't really know why, either days are really boring up here, or jammed back with life changing events. Today, it was my manager's birthday, so we were all on a sugar high from cupcakes, and our store was pretty much a place for crack addicts. Everyone was chatting it up, customers were being difficult: "Well I'm a high spending customer, so you should keep my receipts on record. . ." Who do you think you are?! haha. So we found a giant martini glass that had been just unpacked, and set it upfront and we were accepting donations. . .

So after that fun filled four and half hours of stuffing homemade brownies down my managers mouth, in hope to sweet talk her into giving me my promotion. . . The emotional part of the day decided to kick in as fast as you could see the clouds roll in.

I've learned just from the few days that relationships are one of the most difficult and rewarding things that a human goes through. (right behind a 2k and child birth, only one of those I've taken part in. . .) I've always sort of laughed at people when they say, "Oh relationships take work, you have your ups and downs." I always figured that my relationship was going to be all lovey-dovey and that the honeymoon phase was going to last forever. Boy, I don't know where the heck I got that idea. Don't get me wrong, mine is full of love, and given the circumstances, I couldn't ask for better. I've been truly blessed and love him so much. But daaaaaaaaaaang, they take work. Over the last few days, thanks to: weird sleep schedules, the distance, law review, and just life. I became frustrated, and almost a little hurt. It was just a mess and I didn't know why I was being like this. I think it was the lack of communication due to work and school (on both ends), and the comments, and everything just piled up. My mom told me something the other day, that I wished I had listened to then, "you'll often find little things wrong, think the word is coming to end, and realize it's really not that big of a deal and not worth ruining something great over." So after almost breaking into tears, I realized how selfish I was being, I was hurt because I hadn't really heard from him, when he's working so hard, and the comments where just something I had said previously. All the sudden I realized that it's not always about me. That now there is someone else to consider, someone else's thoughts and feelings to worry about, and how YOUR actions affect them. My friend and her live in boyfriend broke up, this wasn't the first time, but the first time he actually moved out. It crushes you to see two people who you care about, throw the towel in. I believe they'll get back together, but sometimes you have to create a life for yourself. While no relationship is perfect and the honeymoon comes and goes from time to time, they really do take work on both ends. So, don't be afraid to be a little self-less and it's not always about you.

So, literally right after I had my little mini breakdown in the car, I get a text from one of my best friends: SHE's ENGAGED!. . . hahaha. I honestly at first thought it was a joke, because it's something her now fiancee and our friends have joked about. So I called her, and she's crying and then the water works start flowing out of my eyes, but tears of joy now. Funny, how relationships can turn. I just can't wait to mention at the wedding the night they met. . . hahahaha.

So then at dinner my sister calls us absolutely hysterical. My car, which was swiped, is sitting on Vail Pass (she was on her way home) with my car smoking. . . An hour later she's in the car with my Dad and I, laughing about it all. What a weird day.

So now, I've realized that a person needs to be selfless in any relationship, don't be afraid to let something go, in order to make it work. I talked to my closest friend for about 4 min this whole week, we used to talk for an hour every day, but I know she's busy, so I'll wait. I know the guy I love is busy working so hard for goals, so I'll wait. I know life hasn't caught up like I'd like it too, so I'll wait, and for all the customers who come into our store-we're working on that giant martini glass in the back, so please wait. . .

the soccer mom work out.

Today was busy. Mainly because I had something else to do other than deal with obnoxious tourists trying to buy furniture and candles. . . well that something else was driving my brother, and that task was stressing me out. I had already changed my work schedule around his golf practice, (the parentals were m.i.a in denver. . . ) After waking up way earlier than normal (normal being 9am now) I said to goodbye to my grandmother who had a southwest flight back to Arizona, and got caught in one of those worst timing ever moments. We have an abundance of mushrooms in our backyard due to the rain and such, so being the photographer she is (she's always managed to catch the most awkward moments ever, and you can't argue because of course she's your grandmother) so at 7am she decided I needed a picture next to the mushroom. . . So there I'm standing in my pink capri pajama pants and tank top, no brush through the hair, didn't even splash water on my face, glaring at the camera, next to a mushroom. In the background my mother is screaming at her mother about cruel pictures. . . Now she'll go back to Lake Havasu and show all of her friends her oldest grand daughter, the one looks like a crack addict standing next to shrooms. . . and of course thats the only picture she took of me the whole 8 weeks she was here. . .

After a completely dead 5 hours at work of rearranging pillows, candles and building tables, I rushed the whole mile home to let loose the house keeper (who I'm pretty sure is freaked out of my family. ..) So I'm trying to herd my brother out the door, change clothes real fast, make lunch for my brother and I (who is 15 but still expects lunch made. . . ) throw golf clubs in the back of the huge Denali I've been driving since my sister swiped my Jeep for college. My grand idea was to ride my newly fixed bike while my brother was at practice over in Vail. Only to find that the seat is broken now. Then 10 min into the drive, I had become my worst fear at 22 years old, a fill in soccer mom. Well in the case golf, but here I was in my running shorts and hat, stuffing food in my brother, racing to get him to practice on time in my huge gas hog of a car. I sort of had a mental breakdown and just started laughing. . . I can't stand the people who were constantly rude at work, my worst fear is never going anywhere in life. I love an eliminate of chaos, and I guess I got what I asked for. . .

I know this post makes no sense, my boyfriend will probably read in confusion and laughingly call me crazy funny, and the rest of you will read and truly believe that there was no point to this post. Which there is not. So congratulations.

Shoot them Bears

So it's Monday night, which means wine and cheese night... probably the best night of the week. Well of course since I don't really go out at all anymore... *womp womp* ANYWAYS. So I was holding my cheese plate and glass of chardonnay and mingling. When the husband of some good family friends of ours comes strolling in through the back doors. This guys is the most laid back, quiet, but funny guy. Secretly observing. My mom is trying to make conversation with him, of course real estate comes up and he opens up right away. Houses and golf always get people going up here. So then all the sudden the flood gates of heaven open up and it's pouring, so the conversation moves to the rain, and how good it is for the mountains. There is something beautiful about the rain up here, it comes in short burst, and then everything settles and is fresh again. Like a simple rejuvination. So then after talking about the Eagle river water levels, out of no where he goes "so I shot a bear yesterday!" Stunned, that he wasn't behind bars, since it is illegal without a tag, and virtually impossible to get a tag.. he goes "noooo with a bow and a rubber studded arrow. He came into the garage while I was working, I said wait right there and I loaded my bow and shot him!" And then he sneaks out the back just before annoncements are made. Just a normal conversation you have with people who live 9,000 feet high in the mountains....

On a deeper level, I had an amazing conversation with a man who I've known for a long long time and haven't seen in years. His son was a good friend of mine in elementary school, the kind of kid where we would share Maui experiences while eating lunch and being stupid. So, we were talking about jobs, relationships, and salvation. Three topics everyone talks about right?

Here's the spark notes version:

1. Everyone can work. It's whether you choose to. No one lands their dream job out of school. You fall into it.

2. Relationships follow a three step order:

1. God. You must put Him first in EVERY relationship.

2. Eachother.

3. Your job.

3. Salvation is really very simple. It's believing. Speak all the time, and seldom use words.

So I learned alot tonight, from how to shoot a bear to the basics of believing.

Let this wild journey begin.