Shoot them Bears

So it's Monday night, which means wine and cheese night... probably the best night of the week. Well of course since I don't really go out at all anymore... *womp womp* ANYWAYS. So I was holding my cheese plate and glass of chardonnay and mingling. When the husband of some good family friends of ours comes strolling in through the back doors. This guys is the most laid back, quiet, but funny guy. Secretly observing. My mom is trying to make conversation with him, of course real estate comes up and he opens up right away. Houses and golf always get people going up here. So then all the sudden the flood gates of heaven open up and it's pouring, so the conversation moves to the rain, and how good it is for the mountains. There is something beautiful about the rain up here, it comes in short burst, and then everything settles and is fresh again. Like a simple rejuvination. So then after talking about the Eagle river water levels, out of no where he goes "so I shot a bear yesterday!" Stunned, that he wasn't behind bars, since it is illegal without a tag, and virtually impossible to get a tag.. he goes "noooo with a bow and a rubber studded arrow. He came into the garage while I was working, I said wait right there and I loaded my bow and shot him!" And then he sneaks out the back just before annoncements are made. Just a normal conversation you have with people who live 9,000 feet high in the mountains....

On a deeper level, I had an amazing conversation with a man who I've known for a long long time and haven't seen in years. His son was a good friend of mine in elementary school, the kind of kid where we would share Maui experiences while eating lunch and being stupid. So, we were talking about jobs, relationships, and salvation. Three topics everyone talks about right?

Here's the spark notes version:

1. Everyone can work. It's whether you choose to. No one lands their dream job out of school. You fall into it.

2. Relationships follow a three step order:

1. God. You must put Him first in EVERY relationship.

2. Eachother.

3. Your job.

3. Salvation is really very simple. It's believing. Speak all the time, and seldom use words.

So I learned alot tonight, from how to shoot a bear to the basics of believing.

Let this wild journey begin.

Sleepless in Dallas.

It's 12:20 am. I have to wake up at 4:50. Do the math.

But I can't sleep. I simply lost track of time tonight, realized it was 10:40, crawled in bed, and have been laying here ever since. My worst fear, what I absolutely hate the most is being ignored. I find that the most unattractive and disrespecting thing you can do someone. It's telling them that they are not worthy of your 5 min to talk to them. And I hate that. What I love and hate is that you challenge me. This isn't easy for me. You call me out on my shit, tell me to chill out and stop being weird, and I can't argue with that. You've made me face my fears and aren't responding not that you don't like me or want to end things, but that you wont. I hate easy relationships, but geez this is the farthest thing from easy. You've challenged me in every sense I know how. From not being here, to not knowing when I'm going to see you, to calling me out on my faults, to liking me after I act like a crazy person, to getting over my insecurity, to finding out my confidence limit, to making me stand on my own and not come running to you everytime the world is going to fall.

He has Risen! He has Risen Indeed!

Happy Easter!

Today is what separates our faith, from the rest. What defines Christianity. That redemption, that simple task of believing that Christ died and rose again on the third day.

…broken and humbled at the foot of the cross

…washed and cleansed in the blood of Christ

…quiet and still in reverential awe

…passionate and certain of his resurrection

…willing and wanting to proclaim the Gospel.

So here's to the day, that Christ made the ultimate sacrifice.

Sacrifice, what a word. A word that is defined as giving something up. That act of selflessness. Christ gave up his life, so we may have an eternal life.

I was thinking today just in my own life the sacrifice we give up in relationships.

That freedom, independence, but we gain so much more. It's that sacrifice of giving up you're own wants and desires to meet theirs. To adjust our dreams so we can accompany them. When we want the independence, we get the stage 5 clinger. When we want that love, we see them gone, unable to give that attention at that moment. It's a constant sacrifice and learning to give and take in relationships. I got a text saying I was tiring to chase, and I should stay in one spot. Why should I sacrifice if I never liked you? Ahhh it's a cruel cruel world. muhahaha.

There are days that I know I can't complain to the one now, because I know he needs my support rather than my bitching. But at the end of this endless crazy world, where not a lot makes sense, where you can begin to like someone so much but can't feel their touch, where someone can make you rethink everything, where you have to be both independent and dependent, say yes and no, strong when there is nothing more you want than to just run in his arms and hide from the world, to simply lock yourself in the closet and cry out to the most sovereign God and ask why, when nothing make sense, it all simply does. In 5 weeks, I'm diving off the deep end into the real world, this surreal feeling that I know God simply has me in the palm of His hand.

Thank you Jesus.

The Clouds Are Crying.

I need warm weather. I need sunshine at least. I love the rain though, I love how it slows life down, everyone becomes more cautious. It's that feeling that you want to go home and curl up with the fire place and a hot cup of tea or go jump in the puddles. But when you're wet from walking or something gets ruined because of the rain, you simply curse it. We hate the idea of getting our life getting imposed on. But always stop and enjoy the rain. Looking back, some of my best memories are showering in the rain (in a swim suit haha), kissing in the rain, and there's those horrible ones like simply getting left and crying in the rain. It makes you stop and ponder life.

One of my greatest challenges to you right now: are you fully comitted? I've been questioning the word comittment for the last couple of days and where do you stand on your comittment to faith? Read Revelations 3 if you need guidance. Never be medicore, and never stop fighting. I got told something by a guy that I'll never forget: "You live in this fairy tale land where you think a guy is going to respect what you have. Wake up, what you've been told all along as good is screwing you over right now." If anything that made me want to fight even harder, fight for that love I know I deserve. Stick up for what you believe, and make it the center of your life.

My great fear right now: confrontation.

I've realized that I am happy. I would love for the sun to come out, but i'll take the rain. I'll take the things I can't control. I can't control what tomorrow will be like tonight, I can't control relationships or other people. But I don't want to look back and say I didn't make the most of it.

Happy Singles Awareness Day.

I'm not going to hate on Valentines Day, I'm sure being able to celebrate it is great. When you were 8 your counted how many Valentines cards you got. Then when you were in middle school and high school you would hope that your name was on one of those roses that got passed out. It was always a secret competition, who could get the most roses (not counting the ones from Mom) or the most candy or cards, just to try to boost your self esteem because obviously more people loved you hah. Well here I am 21 years later, with a card on my counter from my grandparents wishing me a happy Valentines day. I spent the morning going to church by myself, with the power still off from the storm. Then venturing out to Royse City to visit my grandfather's grave, were I sat by myself in a open cememtery all alone with the wind and cold blowing all around. My grandfather was one of the most influential people in my life, so I grabbed a donut and sat and talked to him. Damn, this sounds pretty depressing. But in a weird way it wasn't. I then grabbed lunch with one of my best friends, and he mentions to me how he always wondered why I was totally ok with doing my own thing. It's like I like being alone sometimes. Don't get the wrong idea, I don't want to end up the single cat lady and live totally isolated from society. I love people, I love being around them. I want to find that someone to give cheesy Valentines day cards too, and I love that feeling that being loved gives you. Maybe next year my valentines date won't "get sick" like he did today, or who knows maybe it will be spent with my cat and a bottle of wine again. I haven't even heard from my own family all day haha. We shouldn't have to have one specific day to tell people that you love them, make that everyday. No matter where the people I love are, they should always know I love them. Simply put, spread the love.

Be Bold.

Those two words can describe one of the most difficult tasks. To go outside our comfort zone, do something we never would have imagined, and never stop believing. To proclaim our faith and hope we're not rejected because of it, to have that freedom to express and speak, but be shunned from reality. But never stop being bold.

Discouragement. A word that has seemed to describe my last last two months. A failed attempt at trying to find a job, that constant fear of being denied or turned away. Failed attempts at relationships, wondering HOW MANY TIMES do we have to hear and deal with the same emotion before something finally goes right. But then I heard this: "your past is like a file cabinet, everything life moment you've had, you've learned something from. Next time your in a similar situation, look back, open that file and see what you did, and what to do different." Change yourself. Then I heard about my parents story, they bought a house today after 2 years of searching for the right one, at the right time, for the perfect price. God will give us His abundance blessing, keep pursuing, never give up, and be bold.

oh hello world, it's been a while

I honestly forgot about this thing for a while. *gasp* Until a good friend was telling me about hers, so here's back to the writing world. Who knows will read this... So here's to the good glass of wine sitting next to me and my papers that I should be writing, but instead I'll write about the crazy thoughts inside my head.

Crazy. What a word that can mean so many things. I just talked to this guy who wants to drive home to Vail with me, and he goes "this is kinda wierd..This guy from Canada who you've met twice is going to drive back to Vail with you." I was like well when you say it out loud it sounds kinda crazy, but I have a good feeling about this, plus how boring is life when you don't do something a little weird. You'll at least have a good laugh about it a few years from now. But crazy is a term that has different measure to everyone. So my thought to everyone, go do something you wouldn't normally do... and enjoy.

I saw a friend at dinner tonight, and she was talking about a job interview she had.... again the idea of getting a job in 6 months leaves me awake at night.... next year at this point: Where in the World is Chantal? Always a solid question.

Saw another friend, well friend is a term defined loosely here. He's my ex's cousin, and my best friends ex, who we worked FCA with... so I ask him how life was, he goes for ten minutes talking about himself. Didn't ask one question. Yea, it's an awkward situation. But, I find that extremely rude.... so my other thought to people out there, always ask how someone is, everyone loves talking about themselves.

At this point I've learned to give up control. I can't control relationships, what people believe, life, school, the future. I can't make something happen if it's not meant to be. But we're do you cross that line between pursuing and forcing something?

Alright 11pm, let the homework begin...