the list of chaos

i dont know how this happened. It deleted my post. . . of course it was a long one, a good one, funny. But now it'll never be found. . .

I'm to tired to rewrite it. My mom is erging at 9:30pm right outside my door. I don't want to hear the words: guests, smile, eye contact, SERVICE. Or explain to another person that they failed to set up our building, or why I love this beautiful, strange, 14 hour work day, life. . .

maybe tomorrow.

The Generational Curse

now listening to: James Taylor

My grandmother laid eyes on this wild eyed Texas boy on the beaches of Southern California, they did the long distance between Los Angeles and Royce City before tying the knot 6 months later. The sunny beaches were traded for the free spirited east Texas wind.

My mother turned a 15 min blind date in Vegas into a 23 year marriage with a farm-bred, sports fanatic, computer geek from Minnesota. Residing in Houston at the time, they did the long distance between Houston and LA before tying the knot 9 months later. . . Only after the ceremony did they find my mother crying behind the church after reality hit her that she was committed to moving to Houston from beautiful southern California. . .

Are we noticing a trend here? The city of LA should be renamed the city of long distance love. . . And just like my mother and grandmother, I'm seeing the possibilities of calling a city I never would have dreamed of calling home, a possibility. (now please enter the side note, of yes a lot can happen between now and then) I'm not in any means complaining. But I find it amazing how God can simply take you out of your comfort zone, of what YOU wanted, and could possibly put you in some place you never would have imagined, and make it amazing I just know. It's faith that reassures me that it's all part of a bigger plan.

I look at my life now: 5 years ago I would have foreseen the future and would have claimed that I be living in a high rise in Chicago working downtown in some up and coming business. A year ago I would have told you that I'd be in the middle of Africa saving children and working for the UN. But neither of those have happened, not saying that it couldn't or not saying I haven't tried. It's just not in my cards right now. Instead I find myself in Vail, CO (not a bad place to be bumming it), in my parents basement, working in retail, and soon to be working two jobs. Far away from the man I love, and uncertain of where I am going. I've learned that it's not what I want anymore by any means. I can't predict the future, where I'll end up, what I'll be. But right now in the present I've found so much joy: I've grown closer to my parents, been able to be supportive to someone other than myself, grown closer to God, rekindle friendships, spent time with my brother and sister, gain work experience, read books I've wanted to read, admire what a beautiful backyard my God has made, and for the first time in years: Breathe.

Wait, what? It's not all about me?!

I need to stop listening to Bon Iver sometimes, such a great band, but it puts me in the deep intellectual moments, the ones where I stop everything and ponder. . . I promise, I'll try to tone it down tonight. Even worse. . . the Bon Iver Pandora station, oh my goodness my mind can't handle all these deep thoughts! ha

Today. . . was emoooooooooootional. (insert esj's voice). I don't really know why, either days are really boring up here, or jammed back with life changing events. Today, it was my manager's birthday, so we were all on a sugar high from cupcakes, and our store was pretty much a place for crack addicts. Everyone was chatting it up, customers were being difficult: "Well I'm a high spending customer, so you should keep my receipts on record. . ." Who do you think you are?! haha. So we found a giant martini glass that had been just unpacked, and set it upfront and we were accepting donations. . .

So after that fun filled four and half hours of stuffing homemade brownies down my managers mouth, in hope to sweet talk her into giving me my promotion. . . The emotional part of the day decided to kick in as fast as you could see the clouds roll in.

I've learned just from the few days that relationships are one of the most difficult and rewarding things that a human goes through. (right behind a 2k and child birth, only one of those I've taken part in. . .) I've always sort of laughed at people when they say, "Oh relationships take work, you have your ups and downs." I always figured that my relationship was going to be all lovey-dovey and that the honeymoon phase was going to last forever. Boy, I don't know where the heck I got that idea. Don't get me wrong, mine is full of love, and given the circumstances, I couldn't ask for better. I've been truly blessed and love him so much. But daaaaaaaaaaang, they take work. Over the last few days, thanks to: weird sleep schedules, the distance, law review, and just life. I became frustrated, and almost a little hurt. It was just a mess and I didn't know why I was being like this. I think it was the lack of communication due to work and school (on both ends), and the comments, and everything just piled up. My mom told me something the other day, that I wished I had listened to then, "you'll often find little things wrong, think the word is coming to end, and realize it's really not that big of a deal and not worth ruining something great over." So after almost breaking into tears, I realized how selfish I was being, I was hurt because I hadn't really heard from him, when he's working so hard, and the comments where just something I had said previously. All the sudden I realized that it's not always about me. That now there is someone else to consider, someone else's thoughts and feelings to worry about, and how YOUR actions affect them. My friend and her live in boyfriend broke up, this wasn't the first time, but the first time he actually moved out. It crushes you to see two people who you care about, throw the towel in. I believe they'll get back together, but sometimes you have to create a life for yourself. While no relationship is perfect and the honeymoon comes and goes from time to time, they really do take work on both ends. So, don't be afraid to be a little self-less and it's not always about you.

So, literally right after I had my little mini breakdown in the car, I get a text from one of my best friends: SHE's ENGAGED!. . . hahaha. I honestly at first thought it was a joke, because it's something her now fiancee and our friends have joked about. So I called her, and she's crying and then the water works start flowing out of my eyes, but tears of joy now. Funny, how relationships can turn. I just can't wait to mention at the wedding the night they met. . . hahahaha.

So then at dinner my sister calls us absolutely hysterical. My car, which was swiped, is sitting on Vail Pass (she was on her way home) with my car smoking. . . An hour later she's in the car with my Dad and I, laughing about it all. What a weird day.

So now, I've realized that a person needs to be selfless in any relationship, don't be afraid to let something go, in order to make it work. I talked to my closest friend for about 4 min this whole week, we used to talk for an hour every day, but I know she's busy, so I'll wait. I know the guy I love is busy working so hard for goals, so I'll wait. I know life hasn't caught up like I'd like it too, so I'll wait, and for all the customers who come into our store-we're working on that giant martini glass in the back, so please wait. . .

the soccer mom work out.

Today was busy. Mainly because I had something else to do other than deal with obnoxious tourists trying to buy furniture and candles. . . well that something else was driving my brother, and that task was stressing me out. I had already changed my work schedule around his golf practice, (the parentals were m.i.a in denver. . . ) After waking up way earlier than normal (normal being 9am now) I said to goodbye to my grandmother who had a southwest flight back to Arizona, and got caught in one of those worst timing ever moments. We have an abundance of mushrooms in our backyard due to the rain and such, so being the photographer she is (she's always managed to catch the most awkward moments ever, and you can't argue because of course she's your grandmother) so at 7am she decided I needed a picture next to the mushroom. . . So there I'm standing in my pink capri pajama pants and tank top, no brush through the hair, didn't even splash water on my face, glaring at the camera, next to a mushroom. In the background my mother is screaming at her mother about cruel pictures. . . Now she'll go back to Lake Havasu and show all of her friends her oldest grand daughter, the one looks like a crack addict standing next to shrooms. . . and of course thats the only picture she took of me the whole 8 weeks she was here. . .

After a completely dead 5 hours at work of rearranging pillows, candles and building tables, I rushed the whole mile home to let loose the house keeper (who I'm pretty sure is freaked out of my family. ..) So I'm trying to herd my brother out the door, change clothes real fast, make lunch for my brother and I (who is 15 but still expects lunch made. . . ) throw golf clubs in the back of the huge Denali I've been driving since my sister swiped my Jeep for college. My grand idea was to ride my newly fixed bike while my brother was at practice over in Vail. Only to find that the seat is broken now. Then 10 min into the drive, I had become my worst fear at 22 years old, a fill in soccer mom. Well in the case golf, but here I was in my running shorts and hat, stuffing food in my brother, racing to get him to practice on time in my huge gas hog of a car. I sort of had a mental breakdown and just started laughing. . . I can't stand the people who were constantly rude at work, my worst fear is never going anywhere in life. I love an eliminate of chaos, and I guess I got what I asked for. . .

I know this post makes no sense, my boyfriend will probably read in confusion and laughingly call me crazy funny, and the rest of you will read and truly believe that there was no point to this post. Which there is not. So congratulations.

Shoot them Bears

So it's Monday night, which means wine and cheese night... probably the best night of the week. Well of course since I don't really go out at all anymore... *womp womp* ANYWAYS. So I was holding my cheese plate and glass of chardonnay and mingling. When the husband of some good family friends of ours comes strolling in through the back doors. This guys is the most laid back, quiet, but funny guy. Secretly observing. My mom is trying to make conversation with him, of course real estate comes up and he opens up right away. Houses and golf always get people going up here. So then all the sudden the flood gates of heaven open up and it's pouring, so the conversation moves to the rain, and how good it is for the mountains. There is something beautiful about the rain up here, it comes in short burst, and then everything settles and is fresh again. Like a simple rejuvination. So then after talking about the Eagle river water levels, out of no where he goes "so I shot a bear yesterday!" Stunned, that he wasn't behind bars, since it is illegal without a tag, and virtually impossible to get a tag.. he goes "noooo with a bow and a rubber studded arrow. He came into the garage while I was working, I said wait right there and I loaded my bow and shot him!" And then he sneaks out the back just before annoncements are made. Just a normal conversation you have with people who live 9,000 feet high in the mountains....

On a deeper level, I had an amazing conversation with a man who I've known for a long long time and haven't seen in years. His son was a good friend of mine in elementary school, the kind of kid where we would share Maui experiences while eating lunch and being stupid. So, we were talking about jobs, relationships, and salvation. Three topics everyone talks about right?

Here's the spark notes version:

1. Everyone can work. It's whether you choose to. No one lands their dream job out of school. You fall into it.

2. Relationships follow a three step order:

1. God. You must put Him first in EVERY relationship.

2. Eachother.

3. Your job.

3. Salvation is really very simple. It's believing. Speak all the time, and seldom use words.

So I learned alot tonight, from how to shoot a bear to the basics of believing.

Let this wild journey begin.

Sleepless in Dallas.

It's 12:20 am. I have to wake up at 4:50. Do the math.

But I can't sleep. I simply lost track of time tonight, realized it was 10:40, crawled in bed, and have been laying here ever since. My worst fear, what I absolutely hate the most is being ignored. I find that the most unattractive and disrespecting thing you can do someone. It's telling them that they are not worthy of your 5 min to talk to them. And I hate that. What I love and hate is that you challenge me. This isn't easy for me. You call me out on my shit, tell me to chill out and stop being weird, and I can't argue with that. You've made me face my fears and aren't responding not that you don't like me or want to end things, but that you wont. I hate easy relationships, but geez this is the farthest thing from easy. You've challenged me in every sense I know how. From not being here, to not knowing when I'm going to see you, to calling me out on my faults, to liking me after I act like a crazy person, to getting over my insecurity, to finding out my confidence limit, to making me stand on my own and not come running to you everytime the world is going to fall.

He has Risen! He has Risen Indeed!

Happy Easter!

Today is what separates our faith, from the rest. What defines Christianity. That redemption, that simple task of believing that Christ died and rose again on the third day.

…broken and humbled at the foot of the cross

…washed and cleansed in the blood of Christ

…quiet and still in reverential awe

…passionate and certain of his resurrection

…willing and wanting to proclaim the Gospel.

So here's to the day, that Christ made the ultimate sacrifice.

Sacrifice, what a word. A word that is defined as giving something up. That act of selflessness. Christ gave up his life, so we may have an eternal life.

I was thinking today just in my own life the sacrifice we give up in relationships.

That freedom, independence, but we gain so much more. It's that sacrifice of giving up you're own wants and desires to meet theirs. To adjust our dreams so we can accompany them. When we want the independence, we get the stage 5 clinger. When we want that love, we see them gone, unable to give that attention at that moment. It's a constant sacrifice and learning to give and take in relationships. I got a text saying I was tiring to chase, and I should stay in one spot. Why should I sacrifice if I never liked you? Ahhh it's a cruel cruel world. muhahaha.

There are days that I know I can't complain to the one now, because I know he needs my support rather than my bitching. But at the end of this endless crazy world, where not a lot makes sense, where you can begin to like someone so much but can't feel their touch, where someone can make you rethink everything, where you have to be both independent and dependent, say yes and no, strong when there is nothing more you want than to just run in his arms and hide from the world, to simply lock yourself in the closet and cry out to the most sovereign God and ask why, when nothing make sense, it all simply does. In 5 weeks, I'm diving off the deep end into the real world, this surreal feeling that I know God simply has me in the palm of His hand.

Thank you Jesus.