A Time For Everything

There is a famous song by The Byrds called "Turn! Turn! Turn!" where the lyrics are remotely based off the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 titled, "A Time for Everything."

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I was pondering life in the shower tonight, that's were I really get to be a lone and think and a strange way pray. Just me, myself, God and the shampoo, very spiritual right?! Well this passage struck me, I've read it over and over again, sang a long to it, and just realized tonight that there really is a time and a place for everything. It's my nature to get done as much possible in a window of time as possible. If I know that I need to do "x,y and z" then I'll do them as fast and efficiently as I can, but I tend to rush through things, and not enjoy them when I should. Yesterday my best friend and I both conveniently were driving for 2 hours somewhere, so we used that whole time to have our "life chat" session. There's was this large elephant in the conversation that both us knew, but didn't want to bring up. A certain someone getting married today. I'll spare you the drama and the details, and I knew she didn't want to talk about it until all the sudden she goes "It's ok, there's a time it was going to happen, I'm at peace with it." Isn't it crazy how God has everything SO planned out, that there is a time and a place for everything?! Like He is always looking out for us! He never ceases to amaze me and how he prepares our heart for a time and place. She's in a place she never saw herself and loving life, looking back at how far she's come.

About a week and a half ago my friend Kristen and I drove about 5 hours to a small mining town called Silverton, a mountain that will scare the living daylight out of you if your not ready. After a 15 min life clinching chairlift ride where we had to hold onto the side of this vintage two seater with no bar, about 300 ft in the air over these peaks, we pack our skis on our back, and hike. And keep hiking, and wait still some more. I'm looking down and around and just amazed. Never would I have done this on my own, never would I have thought to push myself to ski down something like this, but there's a time. You sit and stare at God's abundance, His presence known every where, and you keep on turning. I look at this past year of my life, where I've been and how I've grown. I don't like looking back or ripping old scares, to think about my life a year ago, I can't help but laugh and give God the praise for His abundance blessing. He's provided me with a loving and supporting boyfriend who day in and out loves me, a family who has been nothing but supportive, a job I've been pushed and challenged with, but love, and a future that is as wild as my past. I used to be a planner, I had my 5 year plan, 10, and 20, but there's a time and a place for it all. So let every season turn, turn, turn.

Seasonal Depression.

I need sunshine. I need warm weather. Today it hit about 47 degrees and sunshine and I was literally laying on the sidewalk trying to grasp a few warm rays. It's funny how something like sunlight and warmth can make you happy after 3 months of sub zero blizzards.

Maybe that's why I decided to move to Nantucket for the summer, something new. Change from what I have now. We get in such a monotonous routine, that when change occurs we run to it like a fly to a white light. "IT'S JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL!!!" (Bug's Life anyone?!) I'm ready to chase something new, ready to soak up sunshine after months of our "La Nina" winter storms. I'm ready for sail boats and marinas, beaches and fishing. I wish I was sharing it with the one I love, but God has bigger and better plans.

If you have followed my past posts at all (I don't know who actually reads this) but you know how my mind just jumps from topic to topic, once I get writing it's like "thought vomit" and ideas just start spewing everywhere.

So the last few days I've been reading Ecclesiastes. . . The book itself is an interesting read because it cut's straight to the point, it describes what is meaningless and what we should strive for. Cut throat, black and white. I just finished the book tonight, ending on chapter 12 which went on to show us how we look to God when the times get rough. Remember Him before everything breaks down. . . As soon as something goes wrong, then we panic. Why not always run to God? Keep Him first in everything we do, then when something breaks down you'll never have to run. We get so caught up in our lives that it takes something to break time and time again for God to show us that He's working in us. Trust Him, always keep Him first, we can't do it all on our own and expect Him to just pick up the pieces with the broom following behind you. I'm watching someone I love get broken down, God molding him into the man He wants him to be. Moses wandered for 40 years, we could be here for a while.

Tomorrow is Valentines day. I preferred to call it Singles Awareness Day, but I guess that won't fly anymore ha. So I'm lucky enough now to get my first Valentines. Last year on this day I got stood up, went to visit my Grandfather's grave and talked to one of my best guy friends over bbq. Valentines day is a strange day for me.

"Now these three remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love." 1 Corinthians 13:13.

SO LOVE ON!

My mind is all over the place.

Making the big step.

I'm moving.

May 19th.

Far far away.

I'm nervous and excited, is that at all for real?!

I'll write more when I feel like it. Tomorrow seems like a good day for that.

the list of chaos

i dont know how this happened. It deleted my post. . . of course it was a long one, a good one, funny. But now it'll never be found. . .

I'm to tired to rewrite it. My mom is erging at 9:30pm right outside my door. I don't want to hear the words: guests, smile, eye contact, SERVICE. Or explain to another person that they failed to set up our building, or why I love this beautiful, strange, 14 hour work day, life. . .

maybe tomorrow.

The Generational Curse

now listening to: James Taylor

My grandmother laid eyes on this wild eyed Texas boy on the beaches of Southern California, they did the long distance between Los Angeles and Royce City before tying the knot 6 months later. The sunny beaches were traded for the free spirited east Texas wind.

My mother turned a 15 min blind date in Vegas into a 23 year marriage with a farm-bred, sports fanatic, computer geek from Minnesota. Residing in Houston at the time, they did the long distance between Houston and LA before tying the knot 9 months later. . . Only after the ceremony did they find my mother crying behind the church after reality hit her that she was committed to moving to Houston from beautiful southern California. . .

Are we noticing a trend here? The city of LA should be renamed the city of long distance love. . . And just like my mother and grandmother, I'm seeing the possibilities of calling a city I never would have dreamed of calling home, a possibility. (now please enter the side note, of yes a lot can happen between now and then) I'm not in any means complaining. But I find it amazing how God can simply take you out of your comfort zone, of what YOU wanted, and could possibly put you in some place you never would have imagined, and make it amazing I just know. It's faith that reassures me that it's all part of a bigger plan.

I look at my life now: 5 years ago I would have foreseen the future and would have claimed that I be living in a high rise in Chicago working downtown in some up and coming business. A year ago I would have told you that I'd be in the middle of Africa saving children and working for the UN. But neither of those have happened, not saying that it couldn't or not saying I haven't tried. It's just not in my cards right now. Instead I find myself in Vail, CO (not a bad place to be bumming it), in my parents basement, working in retail, and soon to be working two jobs. Far away from the man I love, and uncertain of where I am going. I've learned that it's not what I want anymore by any means. I can't predict the future, where I'll end up, what I'll be. But right now in the present I've found so much joy: I've grown closer to my parents, been able to be supportive to someone other than myself, grown closer to God, rekindle friendships, spent time with my brother and sister, gain work experience, read books I've wanted to read, admire what a beautiful backyard my God has made, and for the first time in years: Breathe.

Wait, what? It's not all about me?!

I need to stop listening to Bon Iver sometimes, such a great band, but it puts me in the deep intellectual moments, the ones where I stop everything and ponder. . . I promise, I'll try to tone it down tonight. Even worse. . . the Bon Iver Pandora station, oh my goodness my mind can't handle all these deep thoughts! ha

Today. . . was emoooooooooootional. (insert esj's voice). I don't really know why, either days are really boring up here, or jammed back with life changing events. Today, it was my manager's birthday, so we were all on a sugar high from cupcakes, and our store was pretty much a place for crack addicts. Everyone was chatting it up, customers were being difficult: "Well I'm a high spending customer, so you should keep my receipts on record. . ." Who do you think you are?! haha. So we found a giant martini glass that had been just unpacked, and set it upfront and we were accepting donations. . .

So after that fun filled four and half hours of stuffing homemade brownies down my managers mouth, in hope to sweet talk her into giving me my promotion. . . The emotional part of the day decided to kick in as fast as you could see the clouds roll in.

I've learned just from the few days that relationships are one of the most difficult and rewarding things that a human goes through. (right behind a 2k and child birth, only one of those I've taken part in. . .) I've always sort of laughed at people when they say, "Oh relationships take work, you have your ups and downs." I always figured that my relationship was going to be all lovey-dovey and that the honeymoon phase was going to last forever. Boy, I don't know where the heck I got that idea. Don't get me wrong, mine is full of love, and given the circumstances, I couldn't ask for better. I've been truly blessed and love him so much. But daaaaaaaaaaang, they take work. Over the last few days, thanks to: weird sleep schedules, the distance, law review, and just life. I became frustrated, and almost a little hurt. It was just a mess and I didn't know why I was being like this. I think it was the lack of communication due to work and school (on both ends), and the comments, and everything just piled up. My mom told me something the other day, that I wished I had listened to then, "you'll often find little things wrong, think the word is coming to end, and realize it's really not that big of a deal and not worth ruining something great over." So after almost breaking into tears, I realized how selfish I was being, I was hurt because I hadn't really heard from him, when he's working so hard, and the comments where just something I had said previously. All the sudden I realized that it's not always about me. That now there is someone else to consider, someone else's thoughts and feelings to worry about, and how YOUR actions affect them. My friend and her live in boyfriend broke up, this wasn't the first time, but the first time he actually moved out. It crushes you to see two people who you care about, throw the towel in. I believe they'll get back together, but sometimes you have to create a life for yourself. While no relationship is perfect and the honeymoon comes and goes from time to time, they really do take work on both ends. So, don't be afraid to be a little self-less and it's not always about you.

So, literally right after I had my little mini breakdown in the car, I get a text from one of my best friends: SHE's ENGAGED!. . . hahaha. I honestly at first thought it was a joke, because it's something her now fiancee and our friends have joked about. So I called her, and she's crying and then the water works start flowing out of my eyes, but tears of joy now. Funny, how relationships can turn. I just can't wait to mention at the wedding the night they met. . . hahahaha.

So then at dinner my sister calls us absolutely hysterical. My car, which was swiped, is sitting on Vail Pass (she was on her way home) with my car smoking. . . An hour later she's in the car with my Dad and I, laughing about it all. What a weird day.

So now, I've realized that a person needs to be selfless in any relationship, don't be afraid to let something go, in order to make it work. I talked to my closest friend for about 4 min this whole week, we used to talk for an hour every day, but I know she's busy, so I'll wait. I know the guy I love is busy working so hard for goals, so I'll wait. I know life hasn't caught up like I'd like it too, so I'll wait, and for all the customers who come into our store-we're working on that giant martini glass in the back, so please wait. . .

the soccer mom work out.

Today was busy. Mainly because I had something else to do other than deal with obnoxious tourists trying to buy furniture and candles. . . well that something else was driving my brother, and that task was stressing me out. I had already changed my work schedule around his golf practice, (the parentals were m.i.a in denver. . . ) After waking up way earlier than normal (normal being 9am now) I said to goodbye to my grandmother who had a southwest flight back to Arizona, and got caught in one of those worst timing ever moments. We have an abundance of mushrooms in our backyard due to the rain and such, so being the photographer she is (she's always managed to catch the most awkward moments ever, and you can't argue because of course she's your grandmother) so at 7am she decided I needed a picture next to the mushroom. . . So there I'm standing in my pink capri pajama pants and tank top, no brush through the hair, didn't even splash water on my face, glaring at the camera, next to a mushroom. In the background my mother is screaming at her mother about cruel pictures. . . Now she'll go back to Lake Havasu and show all of her friends her oldest grand daughter, the one looks like a crack addict standing next to shrooms. . . and of course thats the only picture she took of me the whole 8 weeks she was here. . .

After a completely dead 5 hours at work of rearranging pillows, candles and building tables, I rushed the whole mile home to let loose the house keeper (who I'm pretty sure is freaked out of my family. ..) So I'm trying to herd my brother out the door, change clothes real fast, make lunch for my brother and I (who is 15 but still expects lunch made. . . ) throw golf clubs in the back of the huge Denali I've been driving since my sister swiped my Jeep for college. My grand idea was to ride my newly fixed bike while my brother was at practice over in Vail. Only to find that the seat is broken now. Then 10 min into the drive, I had become my worst fear at 22 years old, a fill in soccer mom. Well in the case golf, but here I was in my running shorts and hat, stuffing food in my brother, racing to get him to practice on time in my huge gas hog of a car. I sort of had a mental breakdown and just started laughing. . . I can't stand the people who were constantly rude at work, my worst fear is never going anywhere in life. I love an eliminate of chaos, and I guess I got what I asked for. . .

I know this post makes no sense, my boyfriend will probably read in confusion and laughingly call me crazy funny, and the rest of you will read and truly believe that there was no point to this post. Which there is not. So congratulations.

Shoot them Bears

So it's Monday night, which means wine and cheese night... probably the best night of the week. Well of course since I don't really go out at all anymore... *womp womp* ANYWAYS. So I was holding my cheese plate and glass of chardonnay and mingling. When the husband of some good family friends of ours comes strolling in through the back doors. This guys is the most laid back, quiet, but funny guy. Secretly observing. My mom is trying to make conversation with him, of course real estate comes up and he opens up right away. Houses and golf always get people going up here. So then all the sudden the flood gates of heaven open up and it's pouring, so the conversation moves to the rain, and how good it is for the mountains. There is something beautiful about the rain up here, it comes in short burst, and then everything settles and is fresh again. Like a simple rejuvination. So then after talking about the Eagle river water levels, out of no where he goes "so I shot a bear yesterday!" Stunned, that he wasn't behind bars, since it is illegal without a tag, and virtually impossible to get a tag.. he goes "noooo with a bow and a rubber studded arrow. He came into the garage while I was working, I said wait right there and I loaded my bow and shot him!" And then he sneaks out the back just before annoncements are made. Just a normal conversation you have with people who live 9,000 feet high in the mountains....

On a deeper level, I had an amazing conversation with a man who I've known for a long long time and haven't seen in years. His son was a good friend of mine in elementary school, the kind of kid where we would share Maui experiences while eating lunch and being stupid. So, we were talking about jobs, relationships, and salvation. Three topics everyone talks about right?

Here's the spark notes version:

1. Everyone can work. It's whether you choose to. No one lands their dream job out of school. You fall into it.

2. Relationships follow a three step order:

1. God. You must put Him first in EVERY relationship.

2. Eachother.

3. Your job.

3. Salvation is really very simple. It's believing. Speak all the time, and seldom use words.

So I learned alot tonight, from how to shoot a bear to the basics of believing.

Let this wild journey begin.

Sleepless in Dallas.

It's 12:20 am. I have to wake up at 4:50. Do the math.

But I can't sleep. I simply lost track of time tonight, realized it was 10:40, crawled in bed, and have been laying here ever since. My worst fear, what I absolutely hate the most is being ignored. I find that the most unattractive and disrespecting thing you can do someone. It's telling them that they are not worthy of your 5 min to talk to them. And I hate that. What I love and hate is that you challenge me. This isn't easy for me. You call me out on my shit, tell me to chill out and stop being weird, and I can't argue with that. You've made me face my fears and aren't responding not that you don't like me or want to end things, but that you wont. I hate easy relationships, but geez this is the farthest thing from easy. You've challenged me in every sense I know how. From not being here, to not knowing when I'm going to see you, to calling me out on my faults, to liking me after I act like a crazy person, to getting over my insecurity, to finding out my confidence limit, to making me stand on my own and not come running to you everytime the world is going to fall.

He has Risen! He has Risen Indeed!

Happy Easter!

Today is what separates our faith, from the rest. What defines Christianity. That redemption, that simple task of believing that Christ died and rose again on the third day.

…broken and humbled at the foot of the cross

…washed and cleansed in the blood of Christ

…quiet and still in reverential awe

…passionate and certain of his resurrection

…willing and wanting to proclaim the Gospel.

So here's to the day, that Christ made the ultimate sacrifice.

Sacrifice, what a word. A word that is defined as giving something up. That act of selflessness. Christ gave up his life, so we may have an eternal life.

I was thinking today just in my own life the sacrifice we give up in relationships.

That freedom, independence, but we gain so much more. It's that sacrifice of giving up you're own wants and desires to meet theirs. To adjust our dreams so we can accompany them. When we want the independence, we get the stage 5 clinger. When we want that love, we see them gone, unable to give that attention at that moment. It's a constant sacrifice and learning to give and take in relationships. I got a text saying I was tiring to chase, and I should stay in one spot. Why should I sacrifice if I never liked you? Ahhh it's a cruel cruel world. muhahaha.

There are days that I know I can't complain to the one now, because I know he needs my support rather than my bitching. But at the end of this endless crazy world, where not a lot makes sense, where you can begin to like someone so much but can't feel their touch, where someone can make you rethink everything, where you have to be both independent and dependent, say yes and no, strong when there is nothing more you want than to just run in his arms and hide from the world, to simply lock yourself in the closet and cry out to the most sovereign God and ask why, when nothing make sense, it all simply does. In 5 weeks, I'm diving off the deep end into the real world, this surreal feeling that I know God simply has me in the palm of His hand.

Thank you Jesus.

The Clouds Are Crying.

I need warm weather. I need sunshine at least. I love the rain though, I love how it slows life down, everyone becomes more cautious. It's that feeling that you want to go home and curl up with the fire place and a hot cup of tea or go jump in the puddles. But when you're wet from walking or something gets ruined because of the rain, you simply curse it. We hate the idea of getting our life getting imposed on. But always stop and enjoy the rain. Looking back, some of my best memories are showering in the rain (in a swim suit haha), kissing in the rain, and there's those horrible ones like simply getting left and crying in the rain. It makes you stop and ponder life.

One of my greatest challenges to you right now: are you fully comitted? I've been questioning the word comittment for the last couple of days and where do you stand on your comittment to faith? Read Revelations 3 if you need guidance. Never be medicore, and never stop fighting. I got told something by a guy that I'll never forget: "You live in this fairy tale land where you think a guy is going to respect what you have. Wake up, what you've been told all along as good is screwing you over right now." If anything that made me want to fight even harder, fight for that love I know I deserve. Stick up for what you believe, and make it the center of your life.

My great fear right now: confrontation.

I've realized that I am happy. I would love for the sun to come out, but i'll take the rain. I'll take the things I can't control. I can't control what tomorrow will be like tonight, I can't control relationships or other people. But I don't want to look back and say I didn't make the most of it.

Happy Singles Awareness Day.

I'm not going to hate on Valentines Day, I'm sure being able to celebrate it is great. When you were 8 your counted how many Valentines cards you got. Then when you were in middle school and high school you would hope that your name was on one of those roses that got passed out. It was always a secret competition, who could get the most roses (not counting the ones from Mom) or the most candy or cards, just to try to boost your self esteem because obviously more people loved you hah. Well here I am 21 years later, with a card on my counter from my grandparents wishing me a happy Valentines day. I spent the morning going to church by myself, with the power still off from the storm. Then venturing out to Royse City to visit my grandfather's grave, were I sat by myself in a open cememtery all alone with the wind and cold blowing all around. My grandfather was one of the most influential people in my life, so I grabbed a donut and sat and talked to him. Damn, this sounds pretty depressing. But in a weird way it wasn't. I then grabbed lunch with one of my best friends, and he mentions to me how he always wondered why I was totally ok with doing my own thing. It's like I like being alone sometimes. Don't get the wrong idea, I don't want to end up the single cat lady and live totally isolated from society. I love people, I love being around them. I want to find that someone to give cheesy Valentines day cards too, and I love that feeling that being loved gives you. Maybe next year my valentines date won't "get sick" like he did today, or who knows maybe it will be spent with my cat and a bottle of wine again. I haven't even heard from my own family all day haha. We shouldn't have to have one specific day to tell people that you love them, make that everyday. No matter where the people I love are, they should always know I love them. Simply put, spread the love.

Be Bold.

Those two words can describe one of the most difficult tasks. To go outside our comfort zone, do something we never would have imagined, and never stop believing. To proclaim our faith and hope we're not rejected because of it, to have that freedom to express and speak, but be shunned from reality. But never stop being bold.

Discouragement. A word that has seemed to describe my last last two months. A failed attempt at trying to find a job, that constant fear of being denied or turned away. Failed attempts at relationships, wondering HOW MANY TIMES do we have to hear and deal with the same emotion before something finally goes right. But then I heard this: "your past is like a file cabinet, everything life moment you've had, you've learned something from. Next time your in a similar situation, look back, open that file and see what you did, and what to do different." Change yourself. Then I heard about my parents story, they bought a house today after 2 years of searching for the right one, at the right time, for the perfect price. God will give us His abundance blessing, keep pursuing, never give up, and be bold.

oh hello world, it's been a while

I honestly forgot about this thing for a while. *gasp* Until a good friend was telling me about hers, so here's back to the writing world. Who knows will read this... So here's to the good glass of wine sitting next to me and my papers that I should be writing, but instead I'll write about the crazy thoughts inside my head.

Crazy. What a word that can mean so many things. I just talked to this guy who wants to drive home to Vail with me, and he goes "this is kinda wierd..This guy from Canada who you've met twice is going to drive back to Vail with you." I was like well when you say it out loud it sounds kinda crazy, but I have a good feeling about this, plus how boring is life when you don't do something a little weird. You'll at least have a good laugh about it a few years from now. But crazy is a term that has different measure to everyone. So my thought to everyone, go do something you wouldn't normally do... and enjoy.

I saw a friend at dinner tonight, and she was talking about a job interview she had.... again the idea of getting a job in 6 months leaves me awake at night.... next year at this point: Where in the World is Chantal? Always a solid question.

Saw another friend, well friend is a term defined loosely here. He's my ex's cousin, and my best friends ex, who we worked FCA with... so I ask him how life was, he goes for ten minutes talking about himself. Didn't ask one question. Yea, it's an awkward situation. But, I find that extremely rude.... so my other thought to people out there, always ask how someone is, everyone loves talking about themselves.

At this point I've learned to give up control. I can't control relationships, what people believe, life, school, the future. I can't make something happen if it's not meant to be. But we're do you cross that line between pursuing and forcing something?

Alright 11pm, let the homework begin...